When big dreams become small
Why dreaming stops in adulthood and what we lose
“I want to live somewhere nicer, but not too far from work.”
“I’m gonna one day go to the moon.”
Those are two dreams, one from a child and the other from an adult. You can immediately tell which comes from which. Both of these things can actually happen if you work for them. But why does one feel “childish?”
As children, we dream big and without limits. We ask: “What do I want?”
At some point in adulthood the question shifts into: “What is realistic for someone like me right now?”
When big dreams became small
As we grow older, we face disappointments and realise that life is harder than we had imagined. We learn that “money doesn’t go on trees.” We are told to “grow up” and “get real” enough times to make us move our focus to what was in front of us.
Some of our dreams got replaced by smaller goals. Some of them we forgot. And some got replaced by other people’s dreams.
Dreams vs goals
Dreams are about desires and direction. They are often vague, unrealistic and emotionally driven. Goals are about action. They are specific and shaped by reality. They focus on what you can do next. Dreams point the way. Goals decide the steps.
Other people’s dreams
These dreams come from your parents, teachers and society. They sound reasonable, but they are not really yours.
As children, we try ideas that we like without committing to them. We imagine being a train driver or Batman, then when it’s dinnertime we drop them and move on.
As adults, we bring other people’s dreams into our plans, careers, or lifestyles. This often creates tension and resentment.
The cost we pay for not dreaming big
You may argue that big dreams are for children and as adults we must be reasonable and realistic.
Realism matters and it’s how things actually get done. The problem is when realism comes first. We fill our days, but not our direction.
Big dreams are important because they create direction that is strong enough to compete with day-to-day reality.
Why this matters for men
As men, we learn early in life that our value comes from being stable, useful and dependable. Since dreaming does not create anything immediate nor is it usually encouraged, we abandon it over time.
What gets lost is aliveness. Without dreams, life becomes maintenance. Days fill up with tasks and we lose connection to what moves us. We lose the fire inside. The aliveness we had as children goes quiet.
How dreaming returns
Dreaming big is about allowing yourself to imagine what your life could be. It may feel uncomfortable or selfish at first and it’ll take a while to get used to it. Here’s how to start dreaming big as an adult:
1. Shift your mindset
Temporarily, set aside your “practical” mindset and start asking “what” instead of “how.”
When you think about how to get to where you want, your brain focuses on limits, tradeoffs and work needed to get there. It asks what is realistic now, what comes first, and what might not work. This shrinks your dream to whatever feels easy or safe. That is why people often stop themselves before they even finish imagining.
Instead, focus on what you want. That engages the part of your mind that deals with images, stories, and possibilities. It is loose and it doesn’t consider limitations of time, money, or skills. This is where big dreams come from.
Separating the two creates honesty. You can admit what you really want without pretending you know how to get there yet. That alone removes a lot of internal tension.
2. Journal about it
Writing slows your thinking and makes vague thoughts more concrete. Write regularly about moments when life felt better than usual. Over time, certain themes repeat and you’ll find patterns. The “what” will come up in those repetitions.
You can start by answering a few questions:
What do I miss in my life, even if I can’t explain why?
When did I not want the day to end?
What would a perfect ordinary day look like from morning to night?
Whose life do I feel envious of?
What did I use to be obsessed about when I was younger?
3. Create the environment for it
Dreams do not usually appear on command. They surface when the mind has space and time to wander. Most adult lives are structured to reduce wandering. Every quiet moment gets occupied.
Create silent moments. No podcast, music or background noise. Dreams surface when the mind has nothing else to chew on.
Change your environment or travel. New places can resurface wants you’ve forgotten you had.
Expose yourself to beauty. That can be art, architecture or nature.
Exercise without distractions. Many runners get their best ideas while running. I become very dreamy when I swim.
Daydream on purpose. Stare out of windows, like in the movies. Take long walks and pay attention to your surroundings.
Get visual cues. Certain images can create an immediate internal response. You recognise what you want before you think about it. Pinterest can be a good place to start.
4. Write concrete ideas
As you start to notice what you’d like your life to look like, write them as dreams, as if it were a wish list. Don’t think about it as committing to anything. Just note them down and see how you feel the next day or week. They will change and evolve, but have to start somewhere.
5. Protect the dream
Understand that dreams are fragile at first. They are vague and often embarrassing. They need some protection. Dreams need a quiet place to grow before they can face the world.
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In the next article, we’ll look at how to move dreams from imagination into reality.