The problem with giving advice
And what people actually want when they share a problem
You’re meeting a good friend for a cup of coffee. They start telling you about problems they are having at work. You ask a few questions and then suggest they talk to their manager or look for other jobs. Your friend goes quiet for a second and says, “I’ve tried. It won’t change anything.”
When you leave, you find yourself frustrated as your friend didn’t appreciate your advice and even became a bit defensive.
Many of us men love to solve problems and offer solutions, even when not asked. But when it comes to other people’s problems, offering advice is usually the worst move. It also rarely sounds like advice. It sounds like “just asking,” “trying to help,” or “here’s what worked for me,” and it shifts the focus off them.
You might:
Share your similar story: “This is reminding me of…”
Reframe the problem to make it sound smaller and less negative: “At least you still have a job.”
Ask problem-solving questions while your friend is still emotional: “What do you want to do about it?”
Dismiss their feelings with facts: “That’s just how managers are.”
Tell them what you would do if you were them: “I’d just ignore it and move on.”
Dump resources on them: “I’m going to send you a podcast that talks about it.”
Finish their sentences or cut them off: “Right, so the issue is…”
Turn it into a plan on the spot: “Let’s draft the message you’re going to send.”
If you identify yourself doing this a lot, it’s worth asking what’s driving it. Most of the time, it comes from discomfort with feelings and not knowing what else to do.
📌 Before continuing, I want to point out that this article isn’t about toxic situations. If someone keeps showing up with the same drama, avoids any responsibility, and uses you as their dumping ground, that’s a different situation and it needs a different response.
You probably give advice because:
It helps you feel in control when someone else is upset.
You don’t know how to help without fixing.
You stay in problem-solving mode and forget there’s a person in front of you.
You get impatient and want to move things forward.
You feel like it’s a waste to hold back a solution you have for their problem.
You like the feeling of being useful and having the answer.
Even with good intentions, advice usually makes things worse.
It moves too fast. You go to action while the other person is still trying to feel understood.
You’re hearing their version in that moment, not the full story, so your advice stays surface-level.
It shifts the dynamic. You become the coach and they become the project.
It puts them on the spot to prove they’re not clueless.
It can create shame. If they’re not ready to act, your “next steps” can make them feel weak or lazy.
It triggers resistance. People push back to protect their independence.
Even when your advice works, it can take away some of their win. They did it, but it feels like they followed instructions.
If they follow your advice and it goes badly, it can create resentment.
By now, you’ve seen how advice can make things worse. But you also can’t just sit there and stare at your friend.
What to do instead
When someone shares something heavy, try this:
Reflect what you heard.
“So your manager keeps micromanaging and you’re drained.”Name the feeling.
“That sounds frustrating.”
“That sounds exhausting.”Ask what they want from you.
“Do you want to vent, or do you want ideas?”
After that, you can add a few extras when they fit:
Ask open-ended questions so they can explore the topic.
Slow your body down: lean back, soften your tone, breathe, leave small pauses.
Offer presence if it fits: “I’m here. Take your time.”
Validate without taking sides: “I can see why this is hard for you.”
But when is it good to give advice?
A few times where it makes sense:
It’s time-sensitive or risky, like serious legal trouble, drunk driving, talk of self-harm, or other unsafe situations.
They ask for it directly, or you ask and they say yes.
You have real expertise they don’t in something specific like contracts or taxes.
It’s a major “first”: first job, first time becoming a parent, moving countries, big unfamiliar life steps.
I’m indeed aware of all the bullet points, and it might be overwhelming to remember everything. To make it easier, remember these four rules:
Assume people are the expert in their own life.
Ask for permission before giving advice.
Offer options, not answers.
Tell them once. If they don’t take it, stop.
Next time someone opens up, try listening for a minute longer than your urge to fix and see how it goes!