Facts don’t hurt you. Stories do.
A practical guide to separating what happened from what you decided it means
What if most of your bad days weren’t caused by what happened, but by the story you told yourself about it?
It usually goes like this:
A colleague says no to your invitation for a drink. ➔ You decide they don’t like you. ➔ You feel embarrassed and awkward around them.
Or a friend takes two days to reply to your message. ➔ You assume they are mad at you. ➔ You feel hurt and resentful and become cold.
These are common situations that can easily affect your mood and behaviour.
The first part is the fact, which is what actually happened. The second part is a story: which is the meaning your brain gives to that fact. The third part is the emotion you feel as a result of believing that story.
Most of the suffering in life comes from the stories we make up, because we treat them as facts. That’s why it’s worth understanding why your brain does this in the first place.
Why your brain creates stories
Facts are neutral and have nothing to do with you personally. Your brain constantly wants to know how these events relate to you, so it can “protect” you. But you almost never have all the information needed to know exactly why something happened, so it makes something up.
It creates a story that feels believable to you, one that is based on your past experiences and insecurities. Since it matches your own history, you easily accept it as true.
Your brain does this instantly, without you noticing. The story shows up in your mind before you even realise what’s happening. And because your brain wants to prepare you for the worst case scenario, the story is usually negative. The emotions follow right away, so you never get the chance to question and correct it.
Where the story comes from
When someone speaks to you in a serious tone, you assume they are upset with you. But you are filling in the blanks. They might be dealing with something that has nothing to do with you. You don’t have that context, yet your brain acts as if you do.
Text messages and emails make this even easier to get wrong. You receive a short reply and assume the sender is annoyed. You read the 👍 emoji as passive aggressive. But you are guessing. They might just be in a rush, or that might be how they text at work. You can’t see their face or hear their voice, so your brain makes something up with your own insecurities.
Your current insecurities work the same way. If you feel good about a work project, a question from your manager is just a question. If you are worried about your work, that same question feels like a personal attack. You end up reading your own insecurity into it.
Understanding all of this doesn’t mean you stop doing it. But it gives you something most people don’t have, which is a chance to notice it before it takes over.
How to take back control
Train yourself to notice when you feel upset or angry, and stop. That strong emotion is a signal that there is a story, and you’re believing it. Here’s what that looks like in practice:
Your colleague said no to drinks. You feel that uncomfortable feeling, embarrassment, and a little rejection. So you slow down and ask: what actually happened? They said no to plans on that specific day. That sentence is the only fact that exists.
Now notice what you added. They don’t like me. That’s the story. Your brain came up with it in half a second and presented it as obvious, but it isn’t. You don’t actually know why they said no.
Then give it time. Most situations sort themselves out within hours or a day.
If it still bothers you, ask them directly. Most of the time the real explanation is far simpler than what your brain came up with. And if you can’t ask, do this: think of at least three other reasons why it might have happened.
The best place to look is your own behaviour. Think of a time you ignored a message because you were busy. A time you cancelled plans and it had nothing to do with the other person. A time you were quiet at dinner because you were tired, not because anything was wrong.
You’ve done all of it, and the other person probably made up a story about it too. Which means right now, somewhere, you might be the colleague who doesn’t like someone. Not because it’s true, but because that’s what their brain needed to believe.
You almost always realise that the story your brain handed you is just one option out of several. And probably not the most accurate one.
The unexpected upside
Practicing this makes you a more positive person without you actually trying to be. You don’t have to force yourself to think happy thoughts. Much of your daily negativity comes directly from assuming the worst-case scenarios. When you drop those stories and look at the neutral facts, your mood naturally improves on its own.
You also start to realise that everyone else is doing the exact same thing. When someone snaps at you or acts cold, you stop taking their reaction personally. You understand they are just reacting to a stressful story in their own head. Since you don’t get defensive, you stay calm. This often helps the other person calm down too.
The reality
You will forget all of this.
You will believe the story, feel the emotion, and only realise what happened an hour later. Sometimes a day later. That’s just how the brain works.
And even when you do catch it, it doesn’t always make the feeling go away completely. You might know the story isn’t true and still feel a little anxious or hurt. That’s okay. Your feelings are real, even when the story behind them isn’t.
What changes over time is that you stop treating every feeling as proof of something. You start to separate what happened from what you decide it means.
If any of this felt familiar, the book that inspired this article is Useful Not True by Derek Sivers. His argument is that a belief doesn’t have to be factually true to be useful. What matters is whether it makes your life better. It’s a short read that I highly recommend.