Don’t try to be positive; try to be complete
A quick reset for when you’re stuck in your head
It’s frustrating how easily one bad moment can take over your entire brain. Something happens, and for the next few hours, it is the only thing you can think about. You keep going over it again and again until it feels like the only thing that matters.
Your brain is fixated on one thing. Even if that part is real, it’s still just one small part of your day. The problem is that, right now, it feels like the whole story.
To get past it, you have to zoom out and look at everything else. But usually, we just try to force ourselves to be positive instead.
The problem with forced positivity
If you’ve ever forced a smile when you’re feeling sad, you know how fake it feels. It’s hard to try and lie to yourself when your brain knows the truth. This just creates more tension and can even make you feel guilty for not being “positive” enough.
A better way is to look for the full picture. The negative part is already there, and you don’t need to ignore it. You just need to find what else is missing to bring some balance back.
Forced positivity looks like this: “Everything is fine.“
Completeness looks like this: “I messed up that task, AND I have a history of doing great work.“
Completeness works because you don’t have to lie to yourself. You’re just zooming out to see the whole story, not just the part that’s bothering you.
This is how a lot of therapists help people get unstuck. The goal isn’t to pick a side; it’s to hold two opposite thoughts at once. You can be really struggling AND still be capable of getting through it. Both things are real at the same time.
How to zoom out
When you feel yourself getting stuck in a loop, try these three steps:
Name the part that’s bothering you. (Example: “I feel rejected.”)
Ask yourself, “What else is true?”
Add another true statement using the word “AND.”
You might still feel a bit bad after doing this. Feelings take time to settle. The difference is that the thought stops filling your whole head, so it doesn’t take the rest of your day with it.
Here is how that looks in real life:
“That talk was awkward, AND I’m glad I had the courage to bring it up.”
“I messed up the timing, AND I’ve still done a lot of good work this week.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, AND I’ve always figured it out in the past.”
“We are fighting right now, AND we’ve made it through much harder days than this.”
If all you can see is the bad part, ask yourself these:
The fact check: What would a security camera have seen?
(Example: “I spoke for 10 seconds,” instead of “I ruined the whole meeting.”)
The setup: What else played a part in this?
(Example: “I haven’t slept well,” or “The instructions weren’t clear.”)
The impact: Is this a ‘whole life’ problem or a ‘this room’ problem?
(Example: “This one person is annoyed, but my family and friends are fine with me.”)
The big picture: Will this matter in a month?
(Example: “This is a bad day, but it’s not a bad year.”)
The steady stuff: What stays the same no matter what?
(Example: “My dog still loves me,” or “I can still call my best friend.”)
The real you: What is still true about you?
(Example: “I made a mistake, but I’m still someone who works hard.”)
Why this approach works
This works because you aren’t fighting your feelings or pretending the bad stuff went away. You’re just noticing that it isn’t the only thing happening.
When you aim for the full picture instead of a “positive” one, the pressure disappears. You don’t have to fix your mood or change who you are. You just have to look at the rest of the room.
You don’t need a perfectly positive story to get out of your head. You just need the whole story.
Where else this works
You can use “What else is true?” whenever your perspective starts to feel too narrow:
When you’re worried about the future:
“I don’t know how this will turn out, AND I have handled every major change in my life so far.”
When you’re burnt out:
“I didn’t get my to-do list done, AND I listened to my body when it needed a break.”
When you’re people-pleasing:
“I don’t want to let them down, AND I’m allowed to say ‘no’ when something doesn’t work for me.”
When feedback hits your ego:
“That feedback bothered me, AND I can take what helps without turning it into a story about me.”
When you’re overreading silence:
“They haven’t replied yet, AND I don’t have enough information to decide what it means.”