The two characters running your life
A new lens for understanding why you act the way you do
Most men go through the day thinking they are the one making decisions, but there are actually two characters doing that job, and a third one who is supposed to be managing them. And the two characters do not always want the same thing.
Depending on who you are, that clash might show up as procrastination, burnout, not being able to switch off, or a nagging feeling that something is not quite right.
Think of your life as a plane. It needs someone to fly it and someone who enjoys the journey. These are your two characters. But it also needs someone to manage them both.
Before we get into it, this is one way of looking at things. Seeing yourself through different lenses tends to be more useful than sticking to just one. If you are interested in another angle on this, have a read of my piece on masculine and feminine energy.
Meet the characters
1. The Pilot
The Pilot lives in the future. He is the part of you that plans and gets things done. When you are focused, handling your responsibilities and making progress, he is the one in charge.
The problem with him is that he doesn’t know how to stop. He is only interested in the destination and getting there as fast as possible. If you let him, he will push until there is nothing left.
2. The Passenger
The Passenger lives in the present. He is the part of you that wants to feel good, take it easy, and enjoy life. He is not interested in where the plane is going. He just wants to recline the seat, eat something nice and watch a film.
The problem with him is that he is lazy and very good at talking you out of things. He uses logic to make procrastination sound completely reasonable: “I’ve had a long week,” “I’ve earned this” and “YOLO.” If you let him, he will just sit in the back forever, perfectly happy going nowhere.
3. The Manager
The Manager is the part of you that can step back and actually see what is going on. He is not flying the plane and he is not sitting in the back. He is the one who notices which character is running things, decides what the situation actually calls for, and makes sure that happens.
He is the one asking: is it a weekend or a weekday? Time to push or time to properly rest? Time to let go or time to have a difficult conversation? He is also the part of you that is connected to what you want from life, how you feel, and what you know is right.
The Problem
Most men are not doing this. They are just going with whatever feels natural, defaulting to the mode they are most used to, or letting whatever is in front of them decide.
When the lines get blurred
This is what happens when the Manager is not making the call and the characters start getting into each other’s territory.
You are sitting at your desk but you keep checking your phone, opening a new tab, or finding small tasks to do instead of the actual work. The Passenger is running things when he should not be. You are physically there but not getting anything done.
It goes the other way too. You are supposed to be relaxing, maybe it’s the weekend or you are on holiday, but you are checking emails, thinking about work, stressing about things you can’t do anything about right now. The Pilot is still going when he should have stopped. You are physically resting but mentally you are still on the job.
When the Pilot or the Passenger takes over completely
The blurred lines are uncomfortable. But getting stuck in one character for months or years is worse.
Some men live almost entirely in Pilot mode. They are working long hours, always chasing the next goal, and completely detached from anything that is not productive. They can’t switch off and they’ve slowly pushed away the parts of life that make it worth living.
Others get stuck in Passenger mode. They have stopped building anything. The days are filled with whatever feels easiest: junk food, doomscrolling, alcohol, weed, or anything else that gives a quick hit of pleasure (that was me a few years ago). Binge eating, hedonic impulses, and addictions often grow out of this. It is not exactly laziness. It is what happens when the Passenger has been running things for too long with no one to answer to.
The solution: learning to manage
The Manager is you. How naturally you step into that role depends partly on your character. Some men find it easier than others to pause, reflect, and make a conscious call. If you want to understand why, look up the Big Five personality traits and conscientiousness. But regardless of where you start, it is also a skill you can build.
This takes time. Depending on your personality and where you are in life, you might spend several weeks just working on one step before you are ready to move to the next.
Step 1: Notice
This is the starting point. You catch yourself when the wrong character is running things. The Passenger during work. The Pilot during rest. Then ask yourself: is this what I should be doing right now?
For a lot of men this step alone takes weeks. Not that it’s complicated, but because most of us are not used to stepping back and looking at what we are doing in the moment.
Step 2: Decide
Once you notice, you make a call. Based on what the moment needs, not based on how you feel. What time is it? What did you say you would do? What is the right thing to do right now?
Step 3: Act on it
Close your laptop. Put your phone in airplane mode. Stop work and be present with your people. The decision means nothing without following through.
Step 4: Adjust over time
Once you are doing this consistently, you start to see the bigger picture. You notice patterns. You look at the environment you have created around yourself, your habits, your routines, the people you spend time with, and you start adjusting what is not working. This is where things become much easier.
You will probably forget most of this by tomorrow. These things do not stick the first time and cold turkey rarely works.
A better approach is to find a small way to remind yourself over the next few days, and set a reminder in your calendar for a month or two from now to come back to it and try it again.
It will never be perfect. You have emotions, impulses, and an environment that pulls you in all directions. But even getting this right a little more often than before makes a real difference.